On tests, professionals and stereotypes.

“The fact that someone is shouting at me matters more than what they’re saying”.

A test, attempting to determine if one is autistic or allistic. I answered yes, because I have auditory sensory issues that make people talking at the volume that most young men seem to talk at make me feel like my ears are trying to withdraw back into my skull. I’m also a survivor of abuse, and grew up amidst shouting punctuated by banging, crashing and my own whispered reassurance to a shaking dog who was slightly less terrified than I was.

“I often notice small changes to the environment that others do not”

I would like to answer yes. I know I should answer yes, because answering yes to the last question raised my allistic score, and I so desperately want proof of my neurotype. But I cannot answer yes, because I don’t. My memory is too erratic to remember most of what the environment was like in the first place, most of the time. Judging from the autistic blogs I read, forgetfulness above and beyond the average is a feature of autism.

One more point for the allistic score.

“I find patterns in everything”.

I’ve never heard of or read of any autistic persyn who did, and I’m no exception. Unless you count the autistic protagonist of a popular story I read.

Another point for the allistic score.

“I am fascinated by numbers”.

Again, that autistic protagonist of a popular fiction story is the only autie I’ve heard of who is. Dial up one more point.

“I can tell when I am boring someone”

I can’t prove if I can percieve something that may or may not have happened and may or may not be percievable to me, because it could have happened and not been percieved, or it could have never happened. But if most people can percieve that thing, perceptive-normative bullshit will compel me to say that I can too.

Will? Did. One more for the allistic score.

“I flap my hands”

I flapped my hands. People taught me not to, with kindly-delivered seeds of self-loathing. Just like the last fucking million autistics who weren’t just beaten or grabbed for it, and who haven’t started again because they’re too conditioned or too young. But that’s not an answer you allow, is it.

I press no.
I’m judged barely autistic. Courtesy of yet another allistic persyn armed with a popular novel, a selection of stereotypes, and possibly a claim of professionalism and expertise. I can’t tell. The tests from either both read the same and give roughly the same result.

Both of them call me abled and high functioning, both are based on rigid, binary questions that assume unlikely & obvious reasons for each answer. Neither have ever asked me if offend nearly everyone I talk to, if I can use cutlery, if I can cope with change, or what my toilet/underwear ratio is. Or any question relating to me, really.

That autistic protagonist I mentioned? He’d go through that test like it was tailor made for him.

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About chassisbird

Chassisbird is autistic, trans, a survivor of abuse, possibly gray-asexual, queer, polyromantic and very into D/s. It uses it/hir pronouns, tends towards apathy and would like to resemble a spider much more closely.
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